"The Tracks of my Tears and Trail-Mix"

Picking up the large cordless phone and pulling out the long antennae, I told my little girls, "Now when Grandma Pearl says 'hello', you say, 'guess what? our Mama is having another baby!". Their 4-month old baby brother too young to be able to participate in the April Fool's joke, I pressed the buttons on the phone and held it between their heads. They made their announcement, and being too impatient to wait for any reaction, immediately began to giggle, "Just kidding Grandma! April Fool's!" I took the phone from them and quickly apologized for such a silly joke. Pearl had nine children of her own, and her oldest daughter had eleven. An announcement of another baby on the way wouldn't have shocked or upset her; but I admittedly had relied heavily on her during the last year. Emotionally, spiritually, even physically. Maybe a tiny hidden away part of myself wanted to know she'd be welcoming of such news.

Today as I wrote out a list of items to pack for our next trip, I realized I make essentially the same list every time. Electronics and patch cords, toiletries, hiking boots, my pillow....I'm an over-packer, but this time I'm packing in the small suit-case. What doesn't fit, doesn't go with us. "How is my robe supposed to fit in this tiny thing?...I'll just lay it on top....I can't live without my pink robe..." And so now next to the small suitcase are laid out all the items that won't fit. Baby steps.

We'll be traveling south with Natalie, Taylor and their littles. It's Spring Break for them and we got invited to tag along. For most of the years my children were school-aged, our annual Spring break was a trek from Utah to Arizona. Pearl was no longer able to travel any real distance, so we'd load the large Chevy conversion van with bedding and luggage for two adults and seven children, and later on 16 year-old Natalie asked if Taylor could come with us. So for a couple of years it was eight children piling in and out of the "brown bomb".

Preparing for those trips was intense. Making sure each child had enough changes of clothing/underwear/toiletries and some sort of game-boy, or disc-man, or coloring book/crayon situation depending on the ages of each. Preparing food for the road because one trip to a fast food restaurant with ten people could be the the difference between a full tank of gas or not a full tank of gas. Pre-made egg-salad sandwiches, chili-cheese sandwiches, cut up fruit and veggies, chips (since chips were a vacation food) and our beloved family recipe of "trail mix" *recipe at the end of this post. Letting the children stay up as late as they wanted to the night before departing, they'd all fall asleep on the family room floor with their car blankets and pillows. I'd prepare and pack the food and try to get a few minutes of sleep before the 2 AM alarm would go off.

One by one we'd load the now sleeping children into the van, the engine humming and the heater blowing. The goal would be to make the half-way point to Arizona before any little person uttered sleepily "I need to pee." The second half of the drive would be filled with gas station restroom breaks, diaper changes, passing out sandwiches and fruit from the cooler that Elisabeth rested her folded long teen legs on. "If you want the captain's seat with the cooler honey, then the price you pay is you're going to have to move around quite a bit." "It's worth it", she'd say pulling her blanket up over her head now bowed over her latest book. She guarded her privacy and personal space; both things not easily found in a large family.

This past week-end the snow melted enough for us to be able to take our little hike around our property. I was yearning to see more signs of green, but mostly everywhere I looked still looked a bit like late Autumn.

By the time we made it to Aspen Lake I was warm enough to take off my hoodie. "It might not look like Spring but I'm finally feeling warm like Spring!"

Heading back to the cabin I looked up the weather forecast on my phone. "Dang. Tomorrow is our last warm day this week, it's going to get cold again." Shoulder seasons aren't my favorite. I crave warm on my skin and in my bones. "It's a good thing we're heading south, I need sun."

Trading out my desire for a small sun-bath, I drew a hot bath instead. As the water filled the tub, I texted back and forth with Natalie about last minute details of the upcoming trip. Finally, "Okay Mama, I need to go get the babes to bed now." she and I signed off for the night, and I slipped into the too-hot water. Earlier in the day she'd sent me some pictures pulled up on her phone's gallery memory. One of my own Mama and Natalie's youngest Autumn. Autumn who will never know her great-grandmother in this life, but through pictures like this. I think baths are a fabulous place to have good little cries. If epsom salts are good for you then why not a few tears added into the healing waters.

This morning, April 1st, Dave and I woke and looked out the window. "April Fool's" we almost said in unison.

It snowed about eight inches. Spring's little wintery joke on us. Sometimes I feel that way about motherhood. "Surprise! You're a mother! and then what feels like over-night, "Surprise! Your nest is empty!" A somewhat cruel joke on a woman who's only desire since her earliest memory was to have a baby in her arms, a toddler at her feet, and children at her table.

I'm excited to be with some of our grandies this week. And if any of our other children have any baby announcements to make that will be fabulous. No joke.

Our Family's recipe for "Trail Mix"

(disclaimer: do not eat this thinking you are doing something healthy for your body. But do eat this once a year on a twelve hour road trip and your children will likely travel quietly for hours, possibly because they have a sugar baby candy or two stuck in their teeth.)

Ingredients

1 large bag m&m's

1 large bag peanut m&m's

1 large bag peanut butter m&m's

1 large bag any other sort of bag of m&m's floats yer boat

1 large bag sugar baby candies

1 large bag ranch seasoned corn nuts (trust me)

Mix all the afore-mentioned ingredients in a huge bowl and then divide into enough bags for the the monsters you'll be traveling with keeping in mind you've taught the older children how to turn a choking toddler upside down and whack them between the shoulder blades in case one is choking. I'm just giving my little mom'ing and recipe tips and tricks here. Don't judge me.

Also set aside one baggie for yourself to indulge in long after you're home from your road-trip. It makes great "take a hot bath" snack for those moments when you feel overwhelmed and that this phase of your life will never end. Because it actually does, and then you too will know the salt of your tears mixed with your bath water.